Stef smiled as he slid a hand up her back, and massaged her scalp with his fingertips. ‘I won’t- I promise I won’t, you’re under no pressure to- Tell me why. Tell me that, newbie, tell me why.’
‘Because I want it to be my choice, because I want it to be you.’ She smiled. ‘Because you’re making me brave enough to try. Because I know you’ll stop if I want you to.’
He looked into her eyes. ‘Are you sure? Are you really, truly sure?’
She bit her lip, and nodded.
‘Tell me,’ he said, ‘I want you to tell me.’
‘Am I allowed to be sure, and be scared?’
He closed his eyes for a moment. ‘Yeah.’ He opened his eyes and looked at her. ‘As for the scared part, I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.’
‘But I don’t even know what you’re going to do,’ she said, her voice catching a little. ‘I don’t know all the squishy details.’
He looked at her body for a moment, then looked back up at her. ‘I could start by taking my clothes off.’
She stared at his shirt for a moment. ‘Um. Ok, that would be ok. I’ve seen you without a shirt. So that shouldn’t be scary.’
He leaned back, a wall a pillows appearing behind his back, just like the last time there’d been sexiness.
You doing ok?
I think so.
‘You’re in control,’ he said. ‘Take my shirt off when you’re ready.’
She resettled herself on his lap, something digging into- Her breath caught. ‘…Curt?’
‘Yeah,’ he said, colour flushing his cheeks. ‘That’s me.’
‘But- Towel- It didn’t-’
‘Come on Stef,’ he said gently.
‘I didn’t think-’ She slowly moved her leg, feeling it press into her thigh. ‘I thought hard was euphemistic. Non-literal. Something.’
‘You ok?’
She swallowed a breath, and gave him a slightly wobbly nod. She stared at him, and pressed a hand to his chest, feeling the shallow movements of his chest and he nearly panted for breath. ‘Are you ok?’ she asked back.
He pressed his lips together, then looked up. ‘Yeah. I’m fine. This is just- I told you last time, having your girlfriend sitting like this is really sexy.’
She let her hands drop to her sides and tapped Fibonacci numbers against her palms. ‘But I’m-’ -not ready. I’m not ready. I can’t just- I thought there’d be-
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘It’s not on purpose.’
She wrapped her arms around his neck. ‘Just do-’ she hung her head. ‘You can has.’
‘No,’ he said. ‘I’ll be fine. I’m fine. There’s nothing about this situation that isn’t fine.’
She pressed a hand to his shirt, and dismissed it. The fabric disappeared from under her hand, and she laid her hand against his chest. ‘Oh, hi, you.’
Touching a boy. Not as scary as predicted.
You can still back out.
Do you want me to?
Only what you want matters.
She pressed her other hand against his chest, and felt his heart beating.
I want to do this for him. I want to be brave.
So be brave.
She tried to remember bit and pieces of sexy things on TV, on the internet, from movies that she hadn’t blocked out. Tried to think of what she would do if she wasn’t just stupid Stef. She pressed her pointer finger to his chest, taking away all of her other fingers, and drew a line down the middle of his chest, hitting his belly button, then down to the elastic edge of his boxers.
She rested her hand flat against his stomach, her fingers on the band of his boxers.
Her head swam, blood pounding in her ears. Courage fled, and she stared at her pre-prepared emergency shift to Canada, sitting as a tempting icon in her HUD.
She closed her eyes. ‘I have no idea what I’m doing, and that makes it worse.’
‘Look at me and tell me you still want this.’
She opened her eyes and stared at him through the hair that had fallen across her face. ‘This is my choice.’
‘Do- Do you want me to-?’
‘Please extrapolate,’ she said, ‘take charge, please.’
‘Your safe word,’ he said, ‘is binary.’ His arms slipped up her back, and he pulled her down onto the bed, onto a layer of freshly required cushions that left her feeling like she was lying on a cloud.
He kept his arms wrapped around her, and laid a dozen lingering kisses on her face, on her neck, on her shoulders.
After a moment, she began to relax, and let her arms fall to the cloud-soft pillows.
Ok, okies, this is easy so far.
A hand went to one droid, and his mouth to the other. He was as gentle as he’d been the first time, and she felt herself reacting like she’d done the first time, little moans, little yelps escaping her lips without passing through her brain first.
Oh gods, this is really going to happen. I’m going to- I’m really going to, aren’t I?’
Unless you shift to Canada.
The warmness of his mouth left her skin, and she fought to open her eyes.
‘Do you want me to stop, newbie?’
She shook her head.
‘Do you want me to keep going?’
‘Okies.’
He lowered his head, and laid gentle kisses across her stomach, and all of the scars. She lifted a hand away from the bed and grabbed a chunk of her hair, holding it to hold herself together, to ground herself away from the decidedly-non-Stef things happening.
This wasn’t her. This wasn’t something that would ever happen to her. She wasn’t in bed with a boy, and she wasn’t about to have sex. Other people had sex. She wasn’t brave enough to have sex.
It was going to hurt. It was going to hurt. It was going to hurt and she was going to hate it. She was going to hate it and have to pretend she didn’t.
Be brave. Experience something different. She didn’t do different. She didn’t do experience. She didn’t do…anything.
She wanted to try. She wanted to shift to Canada.
Curt rubbed a hand across one of her thighs.
‘You do realise,’ he said, cutting into her thoughts, ‘that you’ve always avoided telling me who your favourite captain is.’
She opened her eyes. ‘I know.’
He rubbed a thumb in circles across her leg. ‘I know it’s not Kirk,’ he said, gently pulling her legs apart. ‘But you don’t mind watching the old stuff.’ He laid between her legs, arms folded across her stomach, looking up at her. ‘I thought maybe Picard because he’s a Brit.’
She pulled away from him, crossing her legs as his head flopped onto the bed. ‘He’s bloody French!’
‘Stewart’s English,’ he said with a smirk. ‘It counts.’ He moved up the bed to sit beside her, then gently pulled her back down onto the pillows. ‘Sisko, who doesn’t like Sisko, but I’m not sure where you stand on the Dominion war.’
His hand slipped down her body, and came to rest between her legs.
‘I mean,’ he said as he wrapped his free arm around her. ‘From a certain point of view, you could draw some parallels between the Agency and the Dominion.’
His fingers-
‘Oh, god.’
Her arms went around his neck in a nanosecond, holding on to him as his fingers-
‘Oh, god,’ she choked again.
‘Newbie, look at me.’
She looked into his concerned eyes. ‘Yeah?’
‘Are you ok?’
‘What…on Earth…are you doing?’ she managed, trying not to move.
His fingers withdrew.
‘Do you want me to stop?’
‘I don’t understand what you were doing. Is- What are you doing?’
‘Just touching, newbie.’
‘But-’
‘Do you want me to stop?’
She shook her head, and he touched her again.
Her body clenched at the impossible to quantify sensations.
She shook, suddenly afraid, and he pulled his hand away again, holding her. ‘Newbie?’
‘Maybe getting a bit more scared now.’
He kissed her forehead, and flopped onto the bed beside her. ‘Janeway,’ he said, immediately resuming his conversation. ‘You have have similar caffeine requirements.’
She leant against his chest, and required his shirt back after a moment. ‘I’m assuming you’re not going to include Archer in the options?’
‘If you pick Archer,’ he said, ‘you know where the door is.’
‘My answer is worse, actually.’
‘Oh?’
‘I don’t have a favourite.’ She crinkled her face. ‘I was only a casual Trekkie before I started hanging out with you. I don’t even know who to take up arms for when it comes to Kirk vs Picard. Probably Picard, because he’s a nerd, but really that would be the only reason. And why are we even talking about this?’
‘Because I am trying to make you realise that no matter what happens. If you like it. If you don’t. If we stop. If we continue. If we never try again. No matter what, you are still you, and I’m still me, newbie. And you and me have nerdy conversations at all hours of the night.’
‘I’m scared of changing.’
‘Into what, newbie?’
She shrugged, and rolled onto her side, resting her head on her pillow. ‘On the net. I researched. Consensus is that it changes people. That you can’t be the same afterwards. And I was just- Well, not really but maybe starting to be ok with myself. And if I do this-’
He lifted her hand and kissed it, then sat up, and moved to straddle her. He fell forward, bearing his weight on his hands. ‘We’re naked, cable A into port B, movement, overload, and that’s as simple as it is. It won’t change you. I- I hope it’ll give you some perspective on how insignificant it is. I don’t like how scared you are, that you’ve built it up to be this monumental thing that’s the be all and end all of all relationships. It’s not.’
‘But I can- I can feel you. So that means-’
He grabbed a pillow and put it between them. ‘That’s also just biology. It just does that.’ He rolled off her. ‘I don’t think about us in terms of how much I’m going to get to fuck you, how twisted and sweaty we’re going to get.’ He paused. ‘If you want me to get a fairy castration treatment, I will, I’ll do that for you.’
‘Padawan, you know the man I revere as a god is Alan Turing, right? I don’t want you to do that. I’m not- I’m not trying to ask anything of you.’
‘Do you want to put your clothes back on?’
She shook her head. ‘You- Try again. But- But not with fingers down there. That was- Too much. Too much sensation. Too much for me.’
‘But you’re scared-’
She closed her eyes for a moment, and required his clothes away. ‘You stopped when I asked you to. So I recharged a bit of bravery.’
‘Newbie-’
‘This is still my choice, and I’m still saying yes.’
‘Do you want to look at me?’
She opened her eyes, sat up, and looked at the naked boy on the bed beside her. She stared at his face for a moment, then let her eyes slip lower and lower, over a chest no longer graced by a Solstice tattoo, to his bellybutton, to the curls of brown hair and-
‘Jesus Christ!’ She grabbed for a pillow and hugged it as she stared at- ‘Do- Do you propose- What-Is that supposed to go in?’
He gave a shrug. ‘It’s probably not a comfort if I tell you that I’m not really that big.’
She kept the pillow clutched to her. ‘That is not going to fit in me.’
He gave a shrug of naked shoulders. Naked boy shoulders. She was in bed with a naked boy. She was in bed to be in bed and have sex. There was going to be sex.
‘Newbie-’
She sucked in a deep breath. ‘Does- Does this mean we’re not compatible this way?’
‘Do you trust me?’
‘I’m in your bed and naked,’ she said, ‘yeah, I think I trust you.’
‘Then lie back.’
She took one more look at him, then laid back, abandoning the pillow. She kept her knees pressed together for a moment, then parted her legs for him. She could do that, that one small thing.
He went between her legs again and leaned over her, kissed her lips, tiny kisses, the only touch of normalcy in the situation. His hands swept down her sides, massaging, making her react as he kissed her neck.
He pulled away for a moment, and she heard a wet sound.
‘Lubricant,’ he said as she opened her eyes to look at him. ‘Now, do you remember your safe word?’
‘I do.’
‘Still want to keep going?’
Am I ok?
More ok than I ever thought you’d be.
‘I do,’ she said.
‘Ok, now, just-’ He looked down at her. ‘Now, ok, newbie?’
She tensed her shoulders and nodded.
There was pressure between her legs, and the hardness that was Curt.
Oh gods, you’re going to break me.
It was squishy and hard and-
She screamed, and beat her fists against his chest. ‘Stop! Stop! Stop!’
His face was a picture of horror, and he tried to move away.
‘No! Just stop! Stop moving!’
‘I can’t get out if-!’
‘Shut up! Just shut up!’ she struggled, and felt him come free. She choked out a sob, and he was holding her before she saw him move. She rocked in his arms. ‘Sorry,’ she said as tears ran down her face. ‘Sorry. Sorry.’
He smoothed her hair back. ‘Don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean to-’
She tried to breathe through the lump in her throat. ‘It- it wasn’t hurt- It just seemed like it should hurt. I thought it was going to hurt. I expected it to hurt, and then it was big, and I’m just-’ She pressed her head to his chest, and breathed deeply. ‘Ok. I’m ok. I’m ok.
‘I’m not going to hurt you.’
‘Please try again.’
He went between her legs again, and this time, she was ready. She bit back on the next scream, but her breath betrayed her feelings.
‘So- So- So you’re in now, right?’ she asked, fighting the need to squirm, the feeling of being pinned, being trapped, being helpless and-
‘Only about a-’ He gave her a nod. ‘Yeah, I’m in.’ There was a pause. ‘Stef- Stef you’re hurting my arm.’
She looked to his upper arm, and saw her short nails digging into his skin. ‘Sorry,’ she said, detaching her hand.
‘You ok?’
‘I have a boy in me!’ she said, the words tumbling out. ‘I’m having sex! I’m having sex! I have no idea how to feel! Can I has some XP, please?’
He kissed her cheeks. ‘You can has.’ He adjusted his weight on his hands, and let out a long breath. ‘You want to continue?’
‘But we’re- Aren’t we right now?’
‘Overload,’ he said as he moved a little, transferring his weight to his elbows, his stomach and chest brushing against hers. ‘Comes from friction, movement, but if you want me to stop.’
‘Just- Just slow ok?’
He began to move, slowly, just as she’d asked, his hands massaging her shoulders, his mouth snatching kisses, his tongue flicking across her jaw when he couldn’t reach her mouth.
She grabbed for the pillows behind her, anything to ground her in the moment, to try and enjoy it, to stop being afraid.
He was panting worse than she was, his breath hot and audible, stifling groans with every movements. ‘Oh, gods, Stef.’
‘Sorry,’ she said, cringing as he looked at her.
‘Don’t be sorry,’ he said. ‘You’ve got nothing to apologise for.’
With each movement, he was falling in a little more, coming a little deeper. There wasn’t enough room, surely there wasn’t enough room, there-
He farted.
The vibration travelled through his body, and into the part of his body that was in her. It shook the- It shook him just a little.
‘Sorry,’ he said, ceasing his movement. ‘I-’
She smiled.
‘Stef?’
She started to giggle.
‘Did- Did I just break your brain?’
‘In the best way possible!’ she lifted a hand away from the pillow, and beckoned him close for a kiss. ‘I- I just always wanted- It’s squishy and ridiculous and everyone is so serious about it and thank you.’
The fear evaporated, and she felt herself smile.
‘You are so strange, newbie,’ he said, and kissed her again. ‘And I love you for it.’
‘You- You can continue.’
‘Yes ma’am.’
He resumed moving, resting all of his weight on one arm, the other freely exploring her chest, visiting each droid in turn.
His panting grew deeper. ‘You sure?’ he asked.
She nodded.
He moved a few more times, then let out a long groan, and collapsed on top of her for a moment, before rolling free, leaving a snail-trail of wetness across her leg.
He wrapped his arms around her neck and kissed her. ‘Tell me you’re ok.’
She kissed him back and nodded. ‘Yeah,’ she said, slowly taking stock of herself, ‘I’m- I’m ok.’
A wet cloth appeared in his hand, and he wiped at the wetness across her leg, and then he handed it to her. She blushed, and ran the cloth between her legs, then threw it off the side of the bed.
‘That’s- That’s what I’ve been afraid of?’
He gave her a slight nod, and wrapped her in his arms. ‘You sure you’re ok?’
‘I am,’ she said. ‘I mean, I dunno when it’ll- I’m not ready for it every night or-’
‘Everything at your pace, newbie,’ he said. ‘That hasn’t changed.’
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘And- And I don’t even- You, was it- Ok, or-? Was it horrible?’
He smirked, started to say something, then cut himself off. ‘Pretty much the opposite of horrible, newbie.’
‘But it was me.’
‘I know,’ he said as new sheets rippled beneath them. ‘And it was not horrible.’
‘What am I supposed to do now?’ she asked after a moment.
‘You tell me,’ he said. ‘Personally, I think you need to pick a favourite captain. Mini-marathon?’
She required her clothes back. ‘You pick the episodes?’
He shook his head as his shirt and boxers appeared. ‘No, something I’ve got to do first.’
‘Hm?’
He leaned close, pressed a hand to her face and rang a bell above her head. ‘Ding’s the right sound, isn’t it? Congratulations on levelling up?’
She pulled the bell from his hand and hugged it to her chest. ‘How the hell did you ever think you weren’t a nerd?’
‘I didn’t have you around to bring it out of me.’ He slid his fingers across her palm and left a cookie there. ‘Engage?’
She snuggled against him as the TV appeared on the wall. ‘Make it so.’